Whatever happened, I still can’t fully grasp.
I received a text.
From him.
I broke up with him, a few weeks ago.
Again.
This was the third time.
I don’t know if this was a game he was playing, or he had waited to send me something.
I wondered.
‘Was he trying to fool me?’
‘Was this a pull and return of something I am learning?’
‘Was he so much in his own world, he had no recollection what I told him?’
I had said to him, ‘we are too far away from each other’.
‘It is better we shouldn’t meet anymore’.
Maybe I was too discreet in my words, to end what we had.
It could also be there were other things at stake, other things drawing me to him.
It isn’t a weak spot, when I look at him.
He has something alluring, I don’t know if it is a physical attraction for me.
I know he is attracted to my body, something he wants, have a taste.
In a way I am doing the same to him.
It is the words I speak to him, as a realization where I am still closed off.
It means I sometimes need to do things I am not always comfortable with.
However underneath it, there are lessons and things for me to comprehend.
Which brings me further.
Gaining the expriences good for me, to become resilient for a love like this.
A heart’s desire or just a souls wish I am fullfilling.
A choice I am choosing.
What I am trying to say, he is getting what he wants and the same holds for me.
An equality of meeting, however with different expectations or desires.
Something benefitting both in a different way.
I understand a deal like this, comes with a package.
To say, the wine tastes as a bittersweet feeling.
The attraction we are both facing.
A deal underneath the surface, which isn’t meant to be seen by daylight.
I am bringing it up here, to the surface, at a place I find safe.
This is something which happened one night.
Hidden in his house, or some place we were residing at that time of being.
As a decor for what needs to be said and we should be doing, not always something physical.
First we were eating.
He was speaking about things he didn’t know anything about.
Speaking in a way, his truth was the the only right one.
I started to get mad, but kept quite.
I was trying to hold my ground.
After a little pause, I said.
“Whatever you are saying, it will not change my mind, not tomorrow, in a week from now or in 2 months”.
“That is clear then”, he responded.
However, he kept arguing about things, I knew they weren’t true.
He had done the dishes and kept pushing all my buttons.
He could really get me mad sometimes.
When laying in bed, him still talking.
This time I had made progress in myself and said to him the following.
“Stop saying that, you have no idea what you are talking about”.
I could hear the voice of the movie playing in the background.
Something about water is as strong as Iron.
We were watching ‘The Diary of a Geisha’.
My eyes were slipping away, because of the tiredness of that conversation.
I felt I had to guard myself, for things he was saying.
Which in my opinion, were just not right.
I was thinking about what to do with this situation, this kind of relationship.
I started to fall asleep with a content feeling.
I had managed to control my emotions and not let him get under my skin.
I woke up the next day and realized.
Love doesn’t have to taste as a bittersweet feeling.