I was going through my stories and was reading :
‘What is the meaning of being Single?’
To me it is a moment where you are complete.
Satisfied with your own being, not considered with outside influences.
Not going beyond your feelings, perhaps even thoughts.
When it isn’t like that, it doesn’t matter, then there is still something to be learning.
I returned to Lisbon and had talks about dating.
I was asked : ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’
‘Are you seeing someone?’
I asked the same question in return.
I didn’t particularly wanted to know the answer.
Although I had asked those questions.
What was underlying that came to the surface was something unexpected.
I was talking with my friend a few weeks back and she was talking about how she had always had this feeling of being lonely.
That this was the reason why she wanted to have children and she also had them.
It surprised me this was a confession she made.
Many thoughts I had about it.
‘There are so many people who have children like this’.
Another thought was : ‘This is something I never wanted’.
The last thing I thought was : ‘This is not going to happen to me’.
For the simple reason I made a deliberate choice a long time ago.
I didn’t want to lose my mind when the child was born, or have a mental breakdown.
Postnatal depression or other things that give me horror when reading and hearing about it.
It isn’t that I choose differently, because of this.
I just thought, ‘perhaps there is a different way, where there is less chance that these things happen’.
I am aware of the future, I can not predict.
However, there is a choice I have and that is what I choose.
I have been in that position of being pregnant, actually.
I still see the options there are, out there.
Stories I hear from others or what I see on social media.
The promotion of that is a success.
I am happy that there are people willing to share their experiences.
It is where I can make that choice and choose what I want.
Because to me, when there is a child.
There are more things I need to worry about, not just myself.
It is about the choice I made.
I’d rather worry about myself.
That is enough already.
It is just a form of saying : ‘I want it different’.
Also I believe it isn’t the purpose of children to fulfill some kind of need.
A burden I can never give them, a reason for me to have them.
I will leave it just here for now.
I am starting to feel a bit tired and don’t want to cross my own boundary.
The meaning of being single starts to have a different meaning to me.
Also the way to have connections and perhaps relationships in general.
Not a hopeless romantic, but a step in the right direction.
Something I felt the other day.
Because this is where my focus is at the moment.
What is giving me energy and where do I feel it flows?
Perhaps I am evolving as a feminine.
Being more in tune with my senses.
Or something like it.
The way I see how people are meeting, comes across as exhausting.
I understand that is a ‘problem’ of ‘timing’.
The time we are able to spend together.
We meet after work or during the weekend.
Perhaps before work, when that time is available.
Although I also acknowledge that some things can only be done in a certain timeframe.
I am not talking about getting babies.
But more when it comes to eating and having a coffee, perhaps drinking a cocktail.
The time to come together is perhaps limited.
At least this is how it feels to me, it is causing a disconnect in my mind.
What I am trying to say is that there are just not enough options.
We meet after work or during the weekend.
Perhaps before work, when that time is available.
Something I see Portuguese people doing.
But I believe that is more cultural.
Since I am not that, this is not available to me.
Even if I go sit there next to them.
I would then just be sitting there, by myself.
Then something came out of nowhere just now.
I believe the solution to this problem.
When we have the energy, we can meet whenever we feel like and it is good for us.
Not just physical, but in any kind of way.
A walk in the park, conversations on the phone, drinking wine or just sitting next to each other in silence.
Getting together for other reasons.
For now these are the examples I can come up with.
The meaning is, that it would be a turn around in events.
Where I see the time of where we are traditionally meeting.
It would be an addition to meet and not as the base.
But the base would be where the energy flows.
What we need, what we want.
What we feel, what we like.
Basically what is needed for us at that time and moment, instead of how the outside world has filled in that space.
The base would be the space that we would create for ourselves.
What is actually already there, but we are just not aware of.
I hope this makes sense.
In other words, it means we are not going to the museum for the sake of the museum.
Just as an example.
But because there is something for us to see there, that helps us grow or we feel better when we have been there.
It is an opening where there is so much more to see and experience.
Then just to go to the museum, find what is expected for us to see.
It would be a decor for us to grow, instead that our energy is leaking, because the museum is taking all that space.
Of course, as a matter of speech.
I think this makes the explanation complete.
Growing up is hard, I can say.
I am laughing a bit at myself, sitting here in this coffee place.
Because it is also a bit ridiculous.
It sounds like I am finding a new way of living.
To end this chapter or to conclude what I am saying is to know that there are options.
For us to get together.
To understand there is a different way of how to perceive a certain space.
It would be an opening for things to happen.
Where we can live and feel free.
Where we meet and can find love.