We were talking about relationships.
About some I have had and where I expressed my disappointment.
“Not so much about them or myself, but about that kind of relationship”, I said.
What that exactly is, I don’t know quite yet.
Something I was thinking after we had that talk.
It was just a feeling I felt.
Perhaps even stuck on me for this long.
Until I had this conversation about relationships where it came to the surface with me.
Especially that disappointment.
I was surprised how easily it came my way.
A disappointment we can have that kind of relationship.
Entertain it while it lasts and when looking back feeling this disappointment.
I mean, we can have a relationship and end it for the reasons why.
They can be good or not.
We can hesitate before breaking up, even second guessing if we should do it all.
At least something I did, when having these relationships where I was feeling this disappointment long after.
I am talking about years and years.
Which I hope explains how deep this feeling must have been.
I am writing about this disappointment, I still don’t quite understand why this is so important.
What it wants to say and how I am feeling about it.
Whatever it is.
I believe that feeling of disappointment is something that has to do with me.
The way I explained it, when having that conversation, is I am a kind of person.
Different, the word I used.
Somehow it made me feel sad.
‘The only one’, is another way I described myself.
Where the sadness was leaving again.
I mean we can come together, entertain what happens and have those love experiences, to make it worthwhile for ourselves.
All those feelings are real and we can find our answers which bring us further.
Where we understand we are relationship material.
Whatever that truly means.
What I want to say is these relationships I have had weren’t matching how I am, as a person.
And so I was feeling disappointed about those relationships.
Was it a relationship in the first place? Something coming up now.
Or just something I believed it was?
To give it a frame?
Because we can come together and do those things, part of what we believe is a relationship.
However, does that make it one?
I might have never been in a real relationship, just thought I was.
Something I am thinking.
It would be my answer or just give an explanation to that feeling of disappointment.