‘What if things went different?’
It wasn’t really a question that was asked, more a thought that was expressed.
If it was by me, I don’t know so well anymore.
It came up in a conversation I had.
What that was, was the real question.
A struggle I am facing, wrapped in this question.
‘I am trying to solve this’, was my answer.
It is something I am experiencing and if he would perhaps have lived longer, I wouldn’t feel this way.
Sad is something you can say that is.
Angry perhaps a little bit even.
But the reality is also, that because of that I feel this way I am looking for a solution.
The fact is, there is always a positive side to everything.
You can even call it a silver lining.
It means an advantage that comes from a difficult or unpleasant situation.
“There is something I am missing”. Something I said in that conversation.
“I don’t know what that is”, I ended the sentence with.
I looked outside the window and started to rub my fingers.
My thump over my index finger.
To express that I was missing something, that I couldn’t put my finger on.
And so I am sitting here, behind my little laptop in the kitchen.
It is just the space I am in to see if I can find out if things would have been different.
That I wouldn’t feel so angry.
Because that is how I came to this point.
Perhaps I am angry at her for a different reason, perhaps not even angry at all.
Perhaps anger is a mask for fear.
There is nothing coming up, when I write down these words.
I guess, it isn’t that then.
Perhaps I am just sad, it could be.
However, I cried already so many times and these tears are dry.
I don’t think it is this either.
The more I am writing about it, the less angry I am becoming.
Excluding possibilities is relieving.
A different thought I had, to end up with the same conclusion.
It is the world that I came to know that there is suicide prevention and ways to get you out of there.
It makes me happy and sad at the same time.
It was obvious that I wasn’t one of them, to start with.
The rest is something you can only feel, I think.
Happy that I came this far and realized this about me.
Sad that this isn’t the solution to that problem.
Living in a different system that we are born in, apart from how we got there, is not a solution to certain problems.
And although that is a concept to me, since I don’t know what that is.
The fact is, there is still something missing.
You can question if I know what that is.
Well, yes I do.
It is something I can feel, from the core of my being.
There is nothing that can prevent me from feeling that.
Not even death, in any kind of way.
By expressing it this way, I feel that I am starting to gain the substance I was expressing earlier in this story.
The rubbing of my fingers.
I think I can finally put my finger on it.
It is that I have missed the time, due to those circumstances, to acknowledge this burden.
Whatever happens, in life and death, he will always remain.
I believe that is a beautiful sentence.
Perhaps even a vow.
Something I realized when I was writing it down.
But that is not an ending.
At least not to this story.
There is still one more thing I need to write down.
Because I went a bit fast forward at the beginning of the story and we can all imagine that.
I mean suicide prevention is not something that is over with a conversation, counseling or any other forms of help.
I think that is a burden that is not the task of just one person.
Because we can not interfere in something that isn’t ours.
It would do more harm to the person.
I guess another life lesson I am learning.
Something I have experienced.
I will explain that another time.
I believe it is I need to find a different ground, perhaps even a different system where the outcome would be different.
Three times is a charm, so to say.
I don’t know why I was saying it that way.
What I would like to know is if I could change something in real time.
Even when I know that with my help, the outcome would be the same.
I could help where I feel I can, using whatever I have.
I think it would be a solution to that problem I had.