I couldn’t find the words, it was something that kept my mind occupied.
This is what I normally do whenever something like this happens.
I sit and let the words speak by themselves. Letting my fingers be the extension of what wants to be written on paper.
The space where the words would come out right.
The most important thing for me to do, is to find the time.
Sitting in a space filled with only that.
It doesn’t matter if people are around, for me it doesn’t matter.
Most of the time I listen to some music with my headset on.
The attendance of people doesn’t distract me nor is it an added value, when I am writing.
I have been thinking lately a lot about my mother.
How I am becoming more like her and understanding the bloodline of me and her better.
A fear I have been feeling, perhaps even a resistance to walk a different route of life.
What is lived, can not be lived twice, is what I feel.
It doesn’t really matter.
I am growing and becoming who I am supposed to be.
Being afraid is part of that, to overcome those hurdles to live a life.
I am always keeping a bit my distance, when it comes to men.
A sense of care and withholding is at his place and I never tempt any of the guys.
However they are tempting me instead.
Trying to see how far they can go, with me.
Finding an entrance to speak to me or persuading me with presents, mostly it is just words.
Wanting to pay for my ride or anything else.
I watch and listen to what they say and then just keep on going with my life.
I find it interesting to be a part of their play, how they sometimes struggle finding the words they want to say to me.
Seeing the desperation in their eyes and going beyond themselves, for reasons I can’t tell.
I do enjoy listening to them and sometimes just pretending.
That playfulness is a legacy of my mother.
The form of being naughty. Looking for the boundaries, pushing buttons.
An inner resistance to that system.
It is a bit sad to me.
If it is love.
Who knows really?
It is bringing me to that question that has been occupying my mind.
I wonder if the world would look different if there was a system where love could live?