For a long time I have wondered.
‘Did my father love my mother?’
It wasn’t a random question.
In relationships I always felt so in love with the other person.
It wasn’t something that was painful.
I was loving secretly.
A deep love that I never expressed, never wanted to share. Not even to the other person involved.
Not to keep it a secret, but it was something that only belonged to me and something I could fall back on. Always.
An unknown foundation, I didn’t feel the need of sharing.
Just experiencing the beautifullness all by myself.
Perhaps it even had this for purpose. For me to stay in these relationships.
An unknown way of bonding, without the other person knowing.
I always took this feeling as something that was connected to me.
This deep felt love that kept me staying in this relationship.
I also felt in those relationships that the other person didn’t love me the way I was feeling for them.
However, it wasn’t something that I wanted to be equal.
The fact of not being loved by many partners kept me thinking.
Where did it come from that I would always love this other person so deeply, but that the other person didn’t love me back?
Was this a family bond I was carrying?
Did my father ever love my mother?
Was the feeling on not being loved connected to the love my parents shared and had?
If at all they did.
I mean, many partners don’t love each other and stay, for many reasons.
Which for me is not interesting to know.
I’d rather know if my father loved my mother.
Both of them have already passed away.
If he didn’t love my mother, is this the reason that I found myself many times with partners that didn’t love me?
Was I haunted by an unknown family secret?
Curshed by a secret love spell?
Or is this something unknown and only specifically connected to me?
A deeper life purpose that is revealing?
Not only for me to find out, but also to set something straight?
To break a cycle in my family for me to continue living?