A place where I can be myself is where I write this story.
A coffee place I know and have been a few times.
Where I felt comfortable enough to do what I was feeling like doing.
Leaning against the chair or just looking outside the window for no specific reason.
Staring is a way to rest our eyes and give our soul a bit of relief.
Once I am done I drink my coffee or eat my bagel I ordered.
But today I sit here, not knowing what it is, I am going to write.
Just an assignment I have to do from my psychologist.
She asked : “Who is Lakshmi?”
I couldn’t really give a proper answer.
I said : “I am nice and kind and I am a girl”.
At the same time I realized there is so much more about me to tell.
However, I just couldn’t.
“This is your homework for next week”, my psychologist said.
Firm and direct.
The way she always does.
To make sure I am not going to say something otherwise.
For my brain to know that this is the only thing to do.
“You can write it down”, she ended her sentence with.
And so I am sitting here, letting the words come out.
Talking can sometimes be a bit hard and writing takes out the speed.
Giving me that time to come up with the right words.
Perhaps.
It is not a given, but it is worth the try.
At least that is what I am doing.
I still think it is a hard question to answer.
Perhaps I am just a bit afraid.
Not for writing it down, but for all that is coming after.
It could be a hidden fear that is coming to the surface like this.
A destination unknown, but the only way I need to go.
From the inside I feel a little discomfort.
The road unknown is not always something that is nice.
It is just a sign that this is where the energy needs to go.
A form of resistance from the inside and it shows like that.
I understand that taking that kind of step can be hard and difficult.
However for me that is not an option.
Already a long time ago I made that choice to find the answers and it can not be otherwise.
Perhaps a lesson that needs to be learned.
So, here I sit.
Writing these words, for myself to find out that all is good.
But who it is I am?
I still don’t really have a clue.
A long journey it has been.
Year 10 I am on.
I hope it is a year of completion.
I will find out once I get there, I guess.
Perhaps the question is too deep and too much for me to answer.
That it doesn’t want to show on paper, it could possibly be.
Perhaps there is still something stuck, that it doesn’t want to tell me.
That I just don’t know.
So, I googled a little bit, to know more about how to find ‘who I am’.
Those were the exact words I typed in.
I needed a little bit more reference.
I just couldn’t get there myself and that is ok.
Just a point to start from.
There is nothing wrong with that.
While seeing the answer that google was providing me on that question.
It was giving some key tools or steps on what you can do.
It looked quite general to me and I believe this is also what it is.
However, it didn’t really give me an answer on what it is I needed to do in my case.
I mean, I understand there are more people that perhaps have no understanding of who they are.
It just didn’t feel something that was something for me.
Just an answer for myself.
That is ok as well.
Then there were a number of questions that were related to the question I asked.
Not a curiosity, but on my way to see how to find out who it is I am.
Just in my search to see what else was there.
Perhaps it could be enlightening and give me an answer that was going to give me more clarity.
Why do I feel like I have no idea who I am?
Why don’t I have a sense of self?
What really defines you as a person?
How to define myself?
How do you describe your real self?
Those were some of the questions.
After checking the answers and even checking my questions again.
It just didn’t feel this was what I needed to know or find.
It just didn’t feel this was my box.
When I was reading these answers, it felt to me people are lost in finding out who they are.
I am far from that.
I am just at the end of completing myself, that is how I am feeling.
That makes this question very legitimate to ask.
However, I can understand it can also be a start.
To ask who you are.
And in some way it is also that.
I mean, when I started this journey of finding myself it was the first question I asked.
‘Who I am?’
I also didn’t know what to answer at that time.
However it is a change from now.
I don’t know now, because it will be a start from what comes next.
I think I am just afraid of getting hurt.
Again.
Not in a way of love, but when people know that they can use it against me.
I think it is something from my past and childhood.
That I was bullied by an older woman, that was in my living space.
It prevented me from feeling safe and becoming myself.
I needed to hide in a way and find ways to get out of that situation.
It took a lot of me, perhaps even my identity.
Because life is a balance.
That is not a lie.
I mean, if you always need to be on guard, always need to think and act in a way to make sure someone is not hurting you.
It loses time to become yourself.
I know this woman was doing this on purpose.
Using other people and taking the energy so it would do her good.
For her to not take any responsibility for her own actions.
She was very much aware of what she was doing.
She is just a bad witch.
With understanding her surroundings and always getting her way, there was nothing for her to change her behavior.
It just means I am on my way taking back what is mine.
I will be nice and kind when that moment happens.
To let the world know who I am.
Although I might not know who I am.
I know I am Lakshmi.
And so that search from finding out who I am, started a bit later in life.
Not at the beginning, at birth or in a natural way.
However it was what it became.
A journey from the inside, where I was safe and could do what was good for me, in my own space and time.
The only thing for me to live.
I guess that is my love journey in its essence.
A place that is safe for me to discover all there is.
To share with you that it is safe to be.
Finding the answers necessary to live.
So that is what I did.
Even though sometimes not knowing what that was.
The same thing as what I am doing now.
In providing this answer of who it is I am.
It is the world inside ourselves that gives this stability.
Even when we are not aware.
But it doesn’t matter.
The only thing that matters is that you love yourself.