A place where I can be myself is where I write this story.
A coffeeplace I know for some time.
Where I can do just whatever I need to do, becoming myself.
Leaning against the chair or just looking outside the window for no specific reason.
Staring is a way to rest our eyes and give the soul a bit of relief.
Once I am done I drink my coffee or eat the bagel I ordered a few minutes before.
But today I sit here, not knowing what it is I am going to write.
Just an assignment I have to do from my psychologist.
She asked : ‘Who is Lakshmi?’
I couldn’t really give a proper answer.
I said :’ I am nice and kind and I am a girl’.
At the same time I realized there is so much more about me to tell.
However, I just couldn’t.
‘This is your homework for next week’, my psychologist said.
Firm and direct.
The way she always does.
Making sure I am not going to say something otherwise.
I don’t do that, just for my brain to know this is the only thing to do.
The least.
‘You can write it down’, she ended her sentence with.
And so I am sitting here, letting the words come out.
Talking can sometimes be a bit hard, writing takes out the speed.
Giving that time to come up with the right words.
Perhaps.
It is not a given, but it is worth the try.
At least that is what I am doing.
I still think it is a hard question to answer.
Perhaps I am just a bit afraid, for what is coming after.
It could be a hidden fear that is coming to the surface like this.
A destination unknown, but the only way I need to go.
From the inside I feel a little discomfort.
So yes, it is where I need to go.
The road unknown is not always something that is nice.
It is just a sign this is where the energy needs to flow.
It is a form of resistance from the inside and it shows like that.
But I understand that taking that kind of step can be hard and difficult.
However for me that is not an option.
Already a long time ago I made that choice to find the answers and it can not be otherwise.
Perhaps a lesson that needs to be learned.
And so, I sit here.
Writing these words, for myself to find out that all is good.
Who I am?
I still don’t really have a clue.
A long journey it has been.
I hope it is a year of completion.
I will find out once I get there, I guess.
Perhaps the question is too deep and too much for me to answer.
That it doesn’t want to show on paper.
It could be.
Perhaps there is still something stuck, that it doesn’t want to tell me.
That I just don’t know.
So I googled a little bit, to know more about how to find ‘who I am’.
Those were the exact words I typed in.
I needed a little bit more reference.
I just couldn’t get there myself, and that is ok.
Just a point to start from.
There is nothing wrong with that.
While seeing the answer that google was providing me on that question.
It was giving some key tools or steps on what you can do.
It looked quite general to me and I believe this is also the way it is.
It didn’t really give me an answer on what I needed to do in my case.
I mean, I understand there are more people that perhaps have no understanding of who they are.
It just didn’t feel something that was something for me.
Just an answer for myself, I guess.
Then there were a number of questions that were related to the question I asked.
Not a curiosity, but on my way to see how to find out who it is I am.
Just in my search to see what else was there.
Perhaps it could be enlightening and give me an answer that was going to give me more clarity.
Why do I feel like I have no idea who I am?
Why don’t I have a sense of self?
What really defines you as a person?
How to define myself?
How do you describe your real self?
Those were some of the questions.
But after checking the answers and even checking my question again.
It just didn’t feel this was what I needed to know or find.
Because when I was reading these answers, it felt to me like people are lost in finding out who they are.
I am far from that.
I am just at the end of completing myself.
That is how I am feeling.
So that makes this question very legitimate to ask.
However I can understand that it can also be a start.
To ask who you are, in some way it is also that.
I mean, when I started this journey of finding myself it was the first question I asked.
‘Who am I?’
I also didn’t know what to answer at that time.
However it is a change from now.
I don’t know now, because it will be a start for what comes next.
I think I am just afraid of getting hurt.
Again.
Not in a way of love, but when people know who I am, they can use it against me.
I think it is something from my past and childhood.
I was bullied by an older woman.
It prevented me from feeling safe and becoming myself.
Developing myself.
I needed to hide in a way and find ways to get out of that situation.
It took a lot of me.
Perhaps even my identity.
Life is a balance.
A give and take, to make sure all will be ok.
Even if that is not the case.
I mean, as humans we need to give that balance a name.
Otherwise it will just be taken away without no reason.
Which is not a lie.
I mean, if you always need to be on guard, always need to think and act in a way to make sure someone is not hurting you.
It loses time becoming yourself.
The time was taken by this older person.
I know this woman was doing this on purpose, so she could live.
Using other people and taking the energy, where it would do her good.
Eventhough it wasn’t.
Only fools think they can get away with anything.
She was very much aware of what she was doing.
For her to not take any responsibility for her own actions.
She is just a bad witch.
With understanding her surroundings and always getting her way, there was nothing for her to change her behavior.
It just means I am on my way coming after her.
To give her back what she deserves.
To take back what is mine.
But I will be nice and kind when that moment happens.
To let the world know who I am.
It is not always words that identify.
Actions can even be louder and are more outspoken.
Because you know, although I might not know who I am.
I know I am Lakshmi.
I was the only person that wasn’t following her, from all the other people there.
I don’t mean that in a bad way for the others.
I mean we all have our reasons to act and behave the way we do.
I just hadn’t decided what was mine.
And so the choice was made, without my consent.
Going over my boundaries.
Making me think I was less than I was.
Giving me a feeling I wasn’t good enough.
Above all, always reminding me about that.
So I would stay in that place.
Of invisibility, carelessness and unwortiness.
That is all logic, when you think about it.
I was also still too young to act otherwise and to understand.
Which at the same time was my way out.
It was leaving me unnoticed and it was hurting me from the inside.
A space in my heart that was kept occupied.
To prevent it from breaking.
I hope you can imagine how that made me feel.
Apart from everything else that was already happening.
To me.
Where that search of finding out who I am, started a bit later in life.
Not at the beginning, at birth or in a natural way.
However it was what it became.
A journey from the inside, where I was safe and could do what was good for me, in my own space and time.
The only thing for me to live.
I guess that is my love journey in its essence.
A place that is safe for me to discover all there is.
To share with you that it is safe to be.
To find the answers necessary to live.
Because that was all that was taken from me.
By this older woman.
However, I won’t mention her name.
I am not protecting her in anyway, nor do I think it is worthwhile for the world to know.
Since she isn’t that.
We all know such a person, but let’s call her for this story Karen.
I won’t give her that form of identity, where it will slowly die.
When all of this happened, I was powerless, without any tools to protect myself.
So that is what I did and where it started.
To find back what was mine.
Even though sometimes not knowing what that was.
The same thing as what I am doing now.
In providing this answer of who it is I am.
It is the world inside ourselves that gives this stability.
Even when we are not aware.
But it doesn’t matter.
The only thing that matters is that you love yourself.
And I guess I am just doing that.