“What is a connection for you?”
It was a conversation I had.
“I never had many girlfriends”.
“I mean, in every woman I was always looking if it was the mother of my children”.
Whilst saying this, he’s looking at the ceiling and gently moving his wedding ring on his finger.
“Even when it comes to best friends, I don’t have a particular ‘best friend”.
His voice was a bit more firm, his eyes still focused on the ceiling.
Just the comfort of the position he was laying.
Sometimes he took his phone in his hand.
I couldn’t tell if it was something he needed to see or respond to.
I was massaging his feet.
“I have several friends and I don’t have one best friend”.
“People think that is weird, but I know I can speak with one friend about this, and with the other friend about other things”.
“Sometimes it’s my wife, sometimes my father”.
“One particular ‘Best Friend’ I don’t have”, he said again.
He meant it in a way of the traditional ‘one best friend’, you discuss everything with, all your life stories, insecurities, secrets, perhaps even mysteries.
“You just know where to get your ‘information’ and ‘answers'”, I told him.
“Perhaps you just don’t need to have a ‘one best friend’, and that’s ok”.
“If this is a way you can live, it’s sustainable”, I added.
My mind went back to what he had said earlier.
About that he never had many girlfriends, as he was ‘always’ looking for the mother of his children.
‘How did he know she was the mother of his children?’
I questioned myself.
My mind showed me a guy I had ‘contact’ with, for some time.
Nothing real, nothing connected to love.
At least traditionally speaking, I think.
Was my mind showing me the father of my children?
Was it sure I was supposed to get children in the first place? With this guy in particular?
I was thinking about the conversation.
‘If he was only looking for the mother of his children, didn’t he miss out on other connections that could also give him something?’
“Perhaps you just needed to have a stable family life first”.
Something I had told him in the conversation.
I guess, an answer to my own question.
However, should we marry the partner we have children with?
Is that an aspect of marriage?
Is marriage connected to that?
Is that something we think is socially accepted and think we are supposed to be doing?
Or is it an action out of fear of rejection?
We are not loved?
My mind continued questioning.
Will that kind of marriage bring the love we need to grow the life that is good for us?
“Being all knowing, is a bit boring”, he said.
“Is it really?” I asked.
“If you already know it’s going to be a good night”.
“Couldn’t that knowing actually add to joy?”
My mind seemed to be needing an answer.
I guess, it doesn’t really matter what it is you are looking in love.
Sometimes we know, what we want.
Sometimes we don’t.
If I think back on that conversation I had, the important thing is we learn how to deal with the circumstances of the connections and people that are coming our way.
To me that is also a part of love.