It wasn’t something I was looking for, something I was open to or even was thinking about.
However I did know I needed to sustain.
In that department of love, let me say it like this.
I knew this person wanted something from me, interested he was.
I could see it in the way he was looking and the way he was speaking.
A way of addressing, saying things directly to me and at some point he did confess.
He was looking for someone to share his days with.
Older he was, mid sixties.
He told me on one of the last days I was there.
It made me think.
This age category has now become available to me.
At the same time, nothing really alluring to me.
It didn’t feel weird to me, it made sense to me he would try and see.
I am turning 40 and from his perspective it could be something.
Of course this is one sided, not taking into account what I would want.
Making me comfortable for example.
Showing what he has to offer, to make me think about certain things in my life or he was open to adjusting anything in his life for it to happen in the first place.
It was mainly him and his own desire, not thinking further.
Very unattractive to me, what I can say about it.
I don’t know if this was a test of love as such, at least for me to write it down to leave it for what it was.
But when it comes to the test of love, or how it showed in front of my eyes.
To me the test of love is to overcome some hurdles in ourselves to know if we are ready for that kind of love commitment.
Let me say it like this, whenever there is a test coming, it is to know we are already there.
We need this test to lock it in our mind, perhaps the heart of anything else that needs that kind of confirmation.
A test is to know where we are at that moment in time.
To see where we are going and what needs to be done.
There is no failure, perhaps not even a success, since that is not the objective.
It is just to see where you are, which can be anything.
A place in ourselves, or one we understand.
A feeling or thoughts, perhaps something real.
It could all be.
The only thing remains is what is important for us to know at that moment of test.
For me, it was the words he spoke to me.
The way he said it was an abstraction for me to know and understand what he was up to.
It didn’t take me much effort to sustain, not going after what his words were trying to get from me.
In his bed, if you were wondering.
Because in a world where words make sense, there is more what makes the world go around.
There is so much more we have to take into account.
Which made it easy to not get lured by his intentions.
The words he was speaking, to see if that would be a right fit for him.
He had many ways, I can say.
Different topics he talked about, to see if I had some kind of the same knowledge or even the same interest.
Making food, to see if I had the same taste.
Sharing some kind of philosophy, understanding where my mind was.
Saying negative things about other people, to see my response.
Repairing some of my dues, finding out my loyalty, perhaps self respect.
But while he was occupied with all that much, he forgot I was sitting there right at the table.
Eating the food I liked, talking about things of my own interest.
Clearing my mind and getting my own perspectives of life.
Letting him fix some essential things I needed to have fixed at time.
I am grateful for that, because he unwillingly gave me space to do all this.
Becoming the person that could resist all of what he wanted.
I just let him talk and do what he was so eager to do.
Since I didn’t have to entertain anything he was going after.
For the simple fact I just don’t.
Of course I would talk back, pretending he would get what he wanted.
It was a trick of his own mind, which meant he was burning up all he had.
You know, only fools are not aware of what they are doing or what is actually happening.
And so I was standing my ground, stood this test of love.