There was this sentence in my mind, I thought was really nice for a story.
It had something special.
It felt so different than the other times I had a line in my mind, I wanted to write a story about.
‘Something I should write down, before I forget it’, is what I thought.
For some reason I didn’t do that.
Then the sentence came back and I thought about it again.
‘I should write it down’, I thought.
I didn’t do it, a second time.
It stayed as a sentence above my head, far above my own mind.
It felt warm and kind.
I couldn’t reach it, although I wanted to.
‘If it really wants to be written’, I thought.
‘It will come back one more time’.
And so I continued with not writing down that sentence.
This morning I thought about it again.
That thought, I mean.
I believe perhaps a week had passed, since that second time I was thinking about it.
It could also have been a little less, or a little more.
‘That sentence was such a beautiful line’, I thought.
It could be a start or just something I could write about in general.
However, I wanted to let it unfold on its own.
This was also another reason why I didn’t wrote it down.
When it came to my mind, two times.
But the sentence didn’t come back, when I was thinking about it this morning.
Nothing was there, when I was thinking about it.
Again and again.
I was feeling really sad about it.
I had the chance two times where I could write it down, and I didn’t do it.
I know I made a conscious choice about it, now it hasn’t come back.
It almost made me cry.
It sounds so stupid I am feeling like this, something I am telling myself.
Although I don’t remember that sentence, I am still writing about it.
I don’t even know the words anymore, of that sentence.
Isn’t that beautiful?
I don’t know what the message is of this story, or why it did come up like this.
Perhaps it is for me to learn a lesson, to focus on the things that matter most.
The things that are important, that have value.
Whatever that is, I can’t really tell.
At the same time a lot of things are coming up.
Mainly questions, since I don’t know what is important and that says something.
We forget things.
It gets lost somehow.
We can try to retrieve it, find the reason why that happened and also why we can feel really sad about it.
I am still feeling that a little bit, just for you to know.
The important thing that is coming up is to stay in the present.
I guess that just makes sense.
Thoughts about my mother are showing itself.
She also didn’t come back, that one time.
I didn’t know why that was.
It is making me happy and sad at the same time.
I guess these emotions can represent the same thing.
Now I am older I do understand why.
Why she didn’t come back, that one time.
To me it sounds insane I have to write that down.
But I have to, for my own sanity.
It stayed in my mind, all those years.
That thought why she didn’t come back.
At least a reason I am given it.
For me to explain this situation.
Because if I think about without a given reason, my mind can’t handle that.
I think that is really sad.
To be separated in that kind of way.
‘Why didn’t she come back?’
Was that thought.
The same as this sentence, that didn’t show up anymore.
Reasons I can’t understand. Still.
However, it happened.
Due to this event I am thinking about it.
Perhaps you can imagine what kind of impact this had on my life.
On my body, mind and soul.
How heavy this was to carry for my heart?
And that is not a question in particular.
While I am writing this down, it is becoming a bit more quiet.
I am old enough now to understand this and to write it down.
A lot of things happened after that.
And I had a lot of questions why.
However they are becoming irrelevant.
I am disconnecting from it, they are not important anymore.
What I want to write down, just something I’d like to express and say.
Perhaps there were other reasons at play that what happened, happened.
This is not some fairytale I am writing down nor some wishful thinking.
Because I want to believe in it.
It is simply true.
That is what stayed in my mind.
Till this day.
The same as that sentence that for some reason I don’t know, is not coming back.
Somewhere up in the air.
It is the thought of my mother that stayed in my mind and kept me alive somehow.
And I guess that is what this story is about.
That started with a sentence that was not coming back anymore.
For reasons I didn’t know.
The same as my mother, one day in the past.
But what I realize and understand.
It goes back to that point of truth and innocence.
Where I let go of any resentment and anger.
That have served its place.
Where I feel at home and secure.