‘Am I looking for love?’
This is how I ended my last story with the same title.
However the question stayed with me, for some reason.
I thought about it for a day, perhaps even two.
I was mindfull about it, what this question was meaning to me.
I mean, I was giving it a bit of time and was thinking about it.
It didn’t leave me and I started to think there was more to it.
What it was I didn’t really know.
Somehow it wasn’t leaving me, after those few days.
Enough for me to think there was something more.
I started to become curious about what it was.
A cat I have been in a past life.
Curiosity is how I died.
‘Just like that’.
Where that story of my life as a cat ended.
Don’t ask me why I know.
Just something I felt happened.
Every time I am curious, is when I feel it.
That I have been a cat and this is how I died.
The reason why I know.
Although that life as a cat passed away, for some reason I am still curious.
Because what has to live, will.
It will come back in a form where it can fulfill its destiny.
Sometimes it needs to die first.
What I try to say, a cat’s life wasn’t the way for that curiosity to live.
Why this curiosity didn’t die, simply because it can’t.
Curiosity is not something physical.
Something you can touch, is what I mean.
Perhaps just what you can feel.
Which is still a question, or just unknown.
Curiosity is something that can get you to places.
In and outside of yourself.
Perhaps why it is staying with me.
However, it can be a reason for cats to die.
Something which happened in that life as a cat.
Now, I am resistant to that kind of death.
Good for me to know this is not a way for me to die.
Anymore.
It is safe to be curious, I guess.
So, I can continue in this life, with this knowledge.
To continue this story, if I am looking for love.
However cats still have a special place in my life.
At least it is special to me.
I have been catsitting for some time and I have been a volunteer at a cat’s association.
I also prefer to eat salmon.
Tuna I don’t like so much, just when it is raw.
Curiosity is something which can get you far, it doesn’t take much energy.
It is just something you have.
For you to know, you don’t have to look for it.
Like a cat.
Showing up when needed and then it is there.
Because curious I am.
If I am looking for love?
A reason why I am dedicating another story with this question.
More also, it was raising more questions, to that question I asked myself.
‘Am I looking for love?’
‘Am I?’
‘Or was it just a nice ending to that story, I was watching the world pass me by?’
Yet, another question.
‘Why do I need to know if I am looking for love?’
‘Why is it so important for me to know?’
‘And when I know, what does it mean?’
‘What does it say?’
Those were all the questions coming to the surface with raising that question
‘Am I looking for love?’
Curiosity opened this up, for me to get somewhere.
However, all these questions are delaying at the same time.
Perhaps even for good reason.
Where I wouldn’t get lost in my own cloud of thoughts.
With saying this, I believe an answer is the only way of going to the right destination.
Wherever that is, I hope it is a nice place.
To answer this question.
‘Am I looking for love?’
Words are coming to the surface.
The first answer coming up is ‘no’.
Not as an answer, but as a way to close that question, for me to go deeper.
It could also be a ‘yes’, when I am thinking about it now.
It would be the same difference.
The yes, would be here the answer to open up to go further.
Yes and no meaning the same thing.
Just as a way to start.
That is the journey, to go right to the core.
Then it stays a bit silent, in myself.
‘I am not looking for anything’, I am thinking.
The silence in myself I am expressing.
Another answer what I am saying to myself.
‘I really am not looking for love’.
I guess, the conclusion for now.
However, I am a bit angry, when I say it here.
“I really am not looking for love”.
“You’d think I would actually be looking for something like that”.
“I am not foolish to go after something I don’t know or doesn’t exists”.
It would be something I would say if I was saying this to someone.
It is not a loud voice saying it.
Nor a question behind it.
It is just the answer to that question.
‘Am I looking for love?’
The answer on surface level is I was just looking at the world passing me by.
But underneath, while I was looking at this world outside of myself, I wasn’t looking for anything.
Special or particular.
Just minding my own business.
Watching the world, with my two eyes, because curious I am.
A way for me to stay alive.
Since I died already a life time ago, for that reason.
Humans don’t die from being curious.
Perhaps for being stupid, among many reasons they can die from.
It is safe to be curious, is what I am saying.
I guess, for you to know.
I was just watching what was happening around me.
On that boat and in that coffeeplace.
I wrote about it, to process what happened.
For my mind to give a break and understand what I actually saw.
Where I was, when that happened.
Love was not even close to what I was looking for.
I wasn’t even thinking about it, at all.
I am not so much angry anymore, when saying this now.
Perhaps what I needed to find.
Even when I look at the simple things in life, with no intention or wanting.
There is no love to see.
Maybe a bit of a problem.
Don’t you think?
With saying this, there are no more thoughts or words coming up, not another question comes rising.
Silence is an answer in itself.
I guess the conclusion.
Because the right answer is always something which isn’t the choice.
And I think, that would be a great story.