“What are you reading?” He asked me.
My head was on his shoulder, while we were laying in bed.
I wasn’t reading anything at that moment.
My head was just resting on his shoulder.
I didn’t respond to what he was saying.
“What is your favorite author?” He asked.
It felt sharp the way he said it.
Maybe he wasn’t satisfied I didn’t give him an answer.
I didn’t respond.
Again.
I just needed some time to come up with an answer.
“I like to read that Japanese author”, I said.
‘Murakami’.
I believe this is where the conversation ended.
I don’t know if he wanted me to read anything in particular, I felt I needed to say something at least.
I found it a good answer and I did like to read Murakami’s stories.
I didn’t explain further to him why I liked his stories or why I was reading them.
I can only remember when reading them, it made sense to me.
It wasn’t something I could relate to.
However, I could understand his world of how he had written it down, was making sense to him.
Apart from all the symbolic and spiritual context he was writing.
Perhaps even more things hidden in his stories.
It didn’t really matter.
I was still laying in his bed.
The rush I felt on how he was asking me these questions, had left.
From the very beginning, I felt sort of afraid, when I was around him.
It wasn’t without notice, he had made me cry, said some hurtful things.
I came to know it was more him than me.
I think he even said it himself to me.
I began to wonder.
Why was I actually still with him?
I don’t think someone should give me such a feeling.
To rush, I needed to answer his questions and above all the feeling perhaps my answer was not right.
Besides, let’s not forget he had made me cry on the very first date.
I know I was laying there in his bed and didn’t feel the need to leave.
I wanted to give him a hug instead.
I can’t remember anymore what I did.
I believe he turned around and turned off the light.
I was thinking.
Does it come with age we start to take the negative side of our partner ‘for granted’?
We see more of the things of value and stay therefor?
Is that what love is about?
I was still thinking.
Although the way he spoke and asked me those questions was hurting.
If any of us was hurting, it was more him than me.
However the questions kept running through my head.
Is this what love is all about and is this love what I am feeling?
To be stuck in thoughts, the way my partner is behaving?