I don’t know exactly anymore how we finished the conversation.
But I remember turning around again and sitting behind my computer.
I was at work, having this conversation.
While staring at the screen of the computer, I had to think of my mother.
How I could still feel her.
Tears were coming up.
I could feel that she had never cried about me.
The pain was too much. The loss of her child.
Because she had made the choice, in all the misery to give me away.
For a better life.
For a life.
The tears I felt were hers.
I was crying her tears through my eyes.
Grieving her loss over me.
Through my body.
If that isn’t love?
It is a real question.
But the distance between us can never be replaced.
I can feel that too.
She is in peace.
The sound of airplanes makes me anxious from time to time.
I still miss her.
And I can never get her back.
There is no time and space that can replace that.
Or make it undone.
Only the tears on my face are a sign that she loved me and me crying over her, that I can never see her again, means that the love between us remains.
The love between us is equal.
The world is really not fair, what else can I say.
So I wonder.
Will this pain ever go away?
Does time really heal?
Or isn’t it that time is healing, but I heal over time?